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(Roseanne Reid's "In a Hundred Years From Now" plays)
♪ I've never thought of myself as easy
♪ I guess there's stuff I don't want you to know
♪ But you make loving me look like a Sunday
♪ Like kids running scared but we ain't letting go
♪ Whoa in a hundred years from now
♪ They'll still be telling our story, baby ♪
(Song continues)
KERRY: This whole dating thing went on for about a year.
And then he asked if I wanted to go for dinner.
And he was really, really quiet.
And I thought he was going to break up with me.
We went for a walk afterwards down to the pier.
He just stopped me
and he started getting really, really sentimental.
Talking about how the view was nice and how the stars were
making the water glistely.
I thought that was really strange.
Never heard a man talking about things like that.
And then he just sort of got on his
knee and he pulled out this ring
and I was absolutely shocked. I was just like...
(High-pitched): Oh! (Laughs)
It was so sweet.
(Song continues)
♪ But you hold me first thing in the morning
♪ And I know this is love
♪ I am loved This is real, real love
♪ Whoa in a hundred years from now
♪ Choosing each other won't seem so crazy ♪
(Song continues)
KERRY: I think he's the most beautiful
person I've ever seen in my whole life.
There's something about him that's just so different.
I always tell him he has the most beautiful ears,
and he has the most beautiful nose,
even like his lips and his eyebrows.
Even things like his wrists. He's got really cute wrists.
They're just so beautiful.
KENNY: Everything about Kerry
was just really honest.
Like, I really hope I don't fuck this up.
(Song concludes)
KERRY: In the beginning, I didn't tell him
absolutely everything about my life before
and about my upbringing and my childhood
and some of the troubles that I'd had in my teenage years.
(Underwater burbles)
So when everything came crashing down, it kinda...
made sense.
KENNY: Right, there you go.
There.
25206807.
I know it better than my phone number.
Because you have: number, rank, name.
Your number's before your name. So...
KENNY: I never told her what I did
for, for quite a while, I made it up.
(Blows)
Because I thought it would, I thought it would scare her away.
So in that as a joke, she said, "Oh, what do you do?"
And I said, "I'm a deep-sea fireman."
(Fireworks bang and crackle)
KERRY: It was bonfire night and there
were fireworks going off outside.
And that was the first time I noticed it.
We were in the living room and I was chatting away to him.
And he just kind of started staring.
He just completely ignored me.
(Bangs and crackles)
"I can't concentrate because the fireworks are going off
and it's making me think about things."
(Tense bells music)
Well, that was the very first time I
noticed that things were a bit weird.
(Voices and explosions in the distance)
KENNY: I joined the Army at 16.
It was all about being the best.
I ended up coming top student in the battalion.
I'd always said that I wanted to end up in snipers
because they were just looked at different.
And I wanted people to look at me like that.
But then when you go on tour, it's a different kettle of fish.
It becomes very real very quickly.
You are the only sniper asset for that company.
It's only you that can deliver.
You've got this added responsibility.
You have to do the best you can
to make sure the people around you stay alive.
And the people who are trying to hurt you, don't.
(Gunshot)
KERRY: I started getting worried after Harris was born.
(Baby yells)
There came a point when Harris started crying during the night.
And Kenneth would sort of start shouting orders,
like really military-style orders.
And then I'd have to wake him up.
And then he would grab me by the throat.
And I'd be like, "Oh, it's me,
Kenneth, come on. Like, it's me."
And then he'd be like, "Who's me, who? Who is me?"
(Baby gurgles)
Harris must have been about three months old
and he was in the Moses basket.
I heard Kenneth say: "Shh, it's alright. Go back to sleep."
And then I could feel him. I could feel
the movement of him rocking in the bed.
I turned on the lamp. His arms were empty.
He thought he was rocking Harris back to sleep.
(Melancholic low woodwind instrument plays)
KENNY: I genuinely don't know how to
trust what I think or what I feel anymore.
Because none of it makes sense.
Our living room window looked out
into the woods across from the house.
I used to see dog walkers going through there.
And I couldn't tell if they were real
or if they were Taliban fighters.
And I had, like, this unbelievable sense of paranoia.
Just absolute fear.
(Helicopter whirrs, gunshots in distance, dogs bark)
(Ominous, echoey whirring and barking)
(Echoey gunshots)
(Explosions and machine guns in the distance)
It isn't real. It isn't...
I can't touch it, but I have all the feelings like I'm there.
How can the mind create that?
(Missile explodes)
You feel like you've got something
vibrating against the back of your eyes.
I can feel my brain pulsing when it does it.
I call it "the screams".
I always knew that all this would stop if I was just dead.
(Silence)
(Baby gurgles)
I was never shown, really, how to express emotion.
And I trained myself at the time to not really feel anything.
I'm not a good person...
to Kerry.
(Wavers): I'm not a good person to Harris.
I wish that I'd died when that IED strike hit me.
(Ominous music)
KERRY: I literally thought at one
point it couldn't get any worse
and it did, it just kept getting worse.
I found out he was cutting himself.
I thought, I'm going to have to
take all the knives out of my house.
I'm going to have to hide knives from my husband.
I'm going to have to hide scissors,
like, like he's a child.
He just became really helpless.
He was sleeping like 18, 20 hours a day.
Just kind of gave up even trying.
(Ominous sounds fade out)
(Birds chirp)
You get, start getting like visual images in your mind.
Like, is he hanging?
Is he bleeding?
And then you just start imagining
loads of things and how--
because you're trying to prepare yourself
for what you're going to walk into.
I almost feel as though somebody is standing beside me
with a gun to my head,
and I'm just like, I can't sleep because
I know the minute I close my eyes
that gun's going to go off and it's going to shoot me.
I felt like our relationship was coming to an end.
I actually thought that it was for
the best that we would just divorce.
I came to the point in my life
where I had to make a choice between
either staying
in the relationship when I wasn't happy
or trying to do something about it.
(Sombre music)
It's not because I don't love him.
It's not because I hate him or he's a horrible person.
My reason would be that it's because
he's mentally ill, and I can't deal
with looking after him while he's mentally ill.
(Toddler babbles)
KENNY: Go, go, go!
KERRY: And then when I think is that really a good enough reason
to divorce somebody that you love?
I think that's not.
You can't justify separating a whole family
on the basis that he's mentally unwell.
And I can't cope with his symptoms.
(Sombre music fades out)
(Birds chirp)
I realised I'd have to start from the very beginning.
I'll have to be the strong person for the two of us.
In psychology...
I left school at about 15 and a half.
I only passed a few GCSEs. I didn't
have enough to get into college.
But nobody in my family had ever been to university.
(Continues typing)
I hated school and I hated adults,
I hated them, I hated teachers,
I hated anybody with authority because I
hated the mentality of "You're a child".
"Just deal with this."
(Birds chirp)
I really want to study psychology.
I need to understand what's going on inside my brain.
I need to understand how Kenneth's brain works as well.
KENNY: She's wanting to go to uni and
she's wanting to do her own thing.
I was just spiteful towards everything.
I didn't have a good thing to say about the world.
Even Kerry doing something that would really benefit her.
And I just thought, "Fuck off".
Your life fucking turning out great
while mine's just fucking falling apart.
(Glass smashes loudly)
(Sombre music)
This is my final statement.
I did what the military asked.
I took the lives they wanted me to.
I was put in positions
where my close friends were
mutilated and maimed in front of me.
I kept strong, ignored their screams
to focus on the bigger picture.
You conditioned me as a sniper to
take a life and view it as a target,
where I feel nothing but the recoil on my shoulder
and how I can improve the shot.
I am not classed as a guardian of my own son anymore.
His name is Harris. He is three years old.
And you should know he's into Lego right now.
(Continues typing)
I have tried to end my life on six occasions now
and I self-harm constantly.
I am a fire-and-forget weapon.
I'm now a piece of brass no longer needed.
I am no longer part of something.
(Sombre music continues)
KERRY: This was his career done.
We really hit rock bottom.
KENNY: I was just plummeting.
And it wasn't stopping either, the momentum wasn't slowing.
I'm so mentally unwell
that Harris had to go into childcare five days a week
while Kerry was in uni.
Because he couldn't be around me and I couldn't be around him.
(Music fades out)
KERRY: As a child, everybody just labelled me
as completely rebellious, who's just acting out and defiant.
I just kind of accepted, OK, I'm a bad person.
Me as a human being is such a fucking horrible person.
A doctor suggested to me
that I would have to take
medication for the rest of my life
to manage... my anxiety symptoms.
Studying psychology has basically
opened up a whole new world to me.
Because approaches to psychology,
like the cognitive behavioural,
they all suggested that you can control
anxiety and emotions with thoughts
and changing thoughts to change feelings.
(Sombre music)
As teenagers, we both felt like we just had to escape
the mentality of the towns that we grew up in.
(Seagulls call; music continues)
Kenneth joined the army at 16.
When I was 18, I just thought
"Ugh, I don't want to be here."
I don't want to be in this town and need to get away from here.
I had no plan, I had no
intention, I had nowhere to stay.
I was at the point where I thought,
I can afford a £5 bus ticket to Cornwall.
It's going to take me 19 hours to get there.
And hopefully in those 19 hours I'll
figure out what I'm going to do.
(Portentous music)
Everything happened so fast.
It was almost like a fairy tale.
(Music continues; seagulls call)
I was being paid to perform at the lap dancing bar
and I took to it unbelievably well.
(House music)
The lights were so bright on the stage
I didn't feel like I was being watched.
I used to dance, and dance and dance and perform.
There was one night that I was dancing.
And then I just started crying for no reason.
(Music becomes sombre)
And I just felt like this overwhelming, like, sadness.
What am I doing?
I'm performing for men and getting paid for that.
And it was a weird feeling that I
got and it made me almost feel sick.
I think I just wanted to go home.
(Waves crash)
And that was when I met Kenneth.
The Army was his life, and he gave it everything that he had.
KENNY: I'm really questioning what
all of it was for in the first place.
Kerry's asked me if I would go up and see
this organisation that work with horses.
(Gentle guitar music)
Kerry really loves horses. I've never been around them before.
I'm trying to stay as open-minded as I can.
(Horses whinny)
OLDER MAN: We here are fellow soldiers, fellow military people
who use horses to help people, I hope,
get back confidence and self-esteem
after they've taken a clinical journey.
(Horse pants)
This horse is called Purple Moon.
He was bought for 700,000 guineas.
Yeah, he ran in the Ebor, and he ran in the Melbourne Cup.
He won about two-and-a-half million quid.
So what? This is, what happens to his value once he's retired?
- He's not worth anything. - Really?
OLDER MAN: No.
(The man clicks)
By talking about the horse and the journey that he took,
you're able to connect
and make people start to look at their journey differently.
We saw the similarity between the
racing world and the military world.
Many of the horses here have been hurt.
Many have been injured.
What we've got to do when we get the horses here is to try
to help them with that anxiety.
So we would ask them just to deal with one fear at a time.
OK.
(Horse whinnies)
Quite a big reaction.
So that's what a horse would do normally
if he's introduced to something he doesn't understand.
So what I'll try do now is to get him,
to get this on his muzzle.
(He clicks)
And I'm not going to restrain him,
but I'm just guiding him on to it.
So there we go.
There's a good boy. That's the release.
(He blows his lips)
So you're kind of just always quiet and
just bring yourself right as far down.
(Breathes and blows his lips)
Do what they do.
Because honestly, you can control
a horse's heart rate with your own,
once you're tuned in
or their breathing or, you know, and if you--
honestly, I think you can do it with people.
(Sombre music)
KENNY: They're really hyper-alert.
They see everything.
I can easily see that a soldier who's in
the transitional phase of getting out,
doesn't have a clue what's going on,
anybody comes near him, he starts
getting really nervous and anxious.
If you're not careful, could do a lot of damage
to either himself or somebody else.
(Music continues)
I am that horse.
I don't want to ever feel suicidal again.
I don't want to ever self-harm when
Harris is in the same house as me.
I don't want to do any of that anymore.
Change is the natural state of the brain.
People don't realise this because they think stuckness,
being stuck with things is the natural state of the brain,
because it feels like it a lot
but actually change is the natural state of the brain.
The brain is constantly renewing all the kind of, you know,
molecular components that make up each of the neurons.
It's constantly looking for where it can free up
circuit space to make new circuits
that are going to help us achieve
the goals that we want to achieve today in our lives.
So the natural state of the brain is change.
So when we want, when the brain...
What are you thinking right now?
What was going through your mind in that moment?
Being laid in an ambush from a child.
Right, right, right.
And when you were thinking that, were you inside the image.
(Loud white noise)
MAN (Radio-garbled): Get back here, get them back.
(Radio-garbled voices continue indistinguishably)
(Heavy breathing)
(Men shout, distant explosions)
KENNY: I was in a ditch.
What were you seeing in the ditch?
KENNY: My mate getting brought out in a stretcher.
He's just screaming.
(Man yells)
Ask yourself the question, am I willing to let this go?
What comes up from your body?
I want to, I just don't know how.
OK, so you want to, you don't know how.
So just acknowledge that.
Maybe even thank yourself for letting yourself know that.
But if you could let it go, would you be willing to?
- Mhm. - Yeah?
If you could let that go,
could you let that go and know
that that was possibly the most caring thing for you to do?
I know it is, but...
I just... I don't know why I hold onto it.
(High-pitched ringing; distant explosions)
I felt like I died on the 21st of February 2012,
just after 11:00, when I was hit by the second IED in that week.
When I, when I came to after I was knocked out...
I just thought, fucking why?
This, the first one, was like a
partial detonation that went off.
It didn't go off properly.
And then that was on the Monday, then on the Thursday,
the second one went off and that
blew me across the track and I...
and I remember getting up after, I couldn't feel my bottom half.
And then it turned out I was all right. I was just in shock.
And I seen...
He was hit by an IED...
and killed and I remember seeing his mum.
(Sniffles)
(Emotional): I remember seeing his mum.
And Kerry was there.
And I just remember feeling this tremendous amount of guilt.
And I remember, I didn't even...
I was so ashamed.
And so much, I had so much guilt.
I had so much guilt about going to...
About what had happened to me. And I was all right.
And I was stood there with Kerry, and I was...
going to be creating this life.
And, err...
that I didn't even go up and speak to her.
Or...
Or say anything.
I just I went out that night and got shitfaced.
(Sombre music)
(Water lapping)
(Sombre music continues)
(Music fades out)
(Children shout in the distance)
KERRY: At uni, one of the things that struck me
was a study talking about adverse childhood experiences.
What I'd been through actually had a name.
I realised that trying to end my life at like 12 years old
was not a normal thing.
(Sombre music)
It was the year 2000.
I'd probably just turned nine.
So I spent a lot of time at my friends' houses.
And I was on my own in the house
with just my friend and her brother.
He had a full beard. You know, like he was a man to me.
And he would send her downstairs to eat her dinner.
And he would lock me in the room.
It was torturous.
I knew it was wrong.
I absolutely-- because I said "No".
It was clear as day that it was--
the whole situation was completely fucked up.
I just thought that's what adults did to kids.
I felt ashamed. I felt like I'd done something really dirty.
I felt like I was worthless and that it was my fault.
I hadn't even turned ten.
And I just, I genuinely just wanted away from everything.
Just wanted away from it all.
(Sombre music continues)
I just thought, I need to... I need to end it.
I went through my mum's cupboards,
and I found all the painkillers I could find.
Drank some vodka, went and lay in my bed.
And then I started getting a bit scared because then I thought,
I'm going to die on my own.
Then I started being sick.
She could smell the alcohol, she asked me what I'd done.
And then I told her.
Mum phoned an ambulance for me.
She asked me if it was a cry for help.
I didn't actually tell her why I did it.
I just feel like there's some things that,
that you could probably just keep
to yourself in relationships.
I feel like there's some things that don't need to be...
like, you don't really need to know
certain things about my childhood
where I do feel a sense of guilt
or a sense-- like shame and embarrassment towards,
and I feel as though there's no need to
go into the details of that with you,
because they're quite personal to me.
So I quite, I really appreciate the fact that you've never...
pressed me
and asked me questions about it,
because it's quite a sensitive thing.
I've got a good idea.
I can... I can put two and two together,
you know, and you've told me,
you have told me stuff,
but you've not went into a lot of detail
because I know what it's like to talk about and,
and go over stuff that I don't want to.
So I'd... I was like, you know, fine.
But, you know, I'm here for you
when you do or if you ever want to,
but I've never pressed you on it.
I've just said, fine, whenever you're ready or if you need it.
I still find that a little bit hard to hear.
Because there is a part of me that says:
maybe he likes you for the version that you are to him,
but if he knew there was any other version
or any other parts of it, then he might change his mind.
(Gently inspirational music)
MAN: The work to do today is to get your unconscious to realise
that you are the age you are now,
that you are a resourceful woman,
that you can cope with anything that happens.
So when this feeling comes on, on a
scale out of ten, where would it be?
- It's a ten.
I can see that you even thinking
about it, you are getting there.
And the feeling is the last couple of years, certainly,
is very familiar to you.
When's your first, earliest memory?
When's the most powerful memory you've got relating to this?
Might not be the actual first one but the one that's...
- OK. Just take a moment. - (She stifles crying)
(She sniffs)
I remember I was in a situation where
I felt like when I was younger,
I was kind of, like, lost in a little daydream.
And I felt relatively safe and stuff,
and it was like that sudden realisation that, like,
where I was and what I was doing wasn't safe.
And it was almost like the shock of,
like, being snapped back into reality
of, oh, this is actually very dangerous.
(Gently inspiring music)
KERRY: I know that Kenneth wants to be a good dad.
That's not quite how it was for
me when I was growing up, though.
I really had nothing to do with my dad most of my life.
He actually went to prison when I was a baby for armed robbery.
He was ex-Army.
My mum was a single parent with three kids.
She had to work like three jobs just to
get enough money to support three kids.
There was no child support.
No sort of relationship with us either.
KENNY: I want to be involved with
Harris and I want to be a dad to him.
But there's so much stuff getting in the way of me and him
having that relationship.
Because everything: from the screaming, to the laughing,
to the high-pitch sounds that they make, just goes through me.
He might as well not be mine, because
I don't feel anything as if he is.
(Dogs bark)
He doesn't know anything about what I'm going through at all,
but he can sense it because he can--
he sees behaviour change when he's around me.
I feel like when he's in the room,
it's just another kid in the room.
I don't feel like he's mine.
Like I loved being around kids.
And now I cannot stand them.
But not in the sense that, like, I hate children,
I just, whenever I see children or I'm around children in a...
I don't know, a close proximity
where I've got no way of getting away from them,
I start to feel like my back's up against the wall.
I can't, I-- I was sick of being on tour,
involved in child-related incidents
that I had-- I couldn't do anything about
just had to stand and watch.
Right.
And you can't take their pain away. You can't do anything.
They're so innocent to it all. You know.
They're meant to be fighting us,
but they're using children, they were using children instead.
Is this all about a particular memory?
- It's about a couple. - A couple.
But the one that I can't get out my head is
like, a picture of Harris
on tour.
He wasn't even, he wasn't even born.
He was born in-- I came back in 2012.
And he wasn't born until like March 2013, like a year later.
But I get this, I cannot get this image of him out my head.
So just before I was hit off an IED,
I was patrolling along to a...
up the side of a field and there was a small bridge.
Should never have taken it.
I said that, but that's not, my opinion
was never going to change anything.
And on the right-hand side, there
was a little sort of school building
that was maybe, like the size of
this classroom, like a mud building.
And there was two adults ushering
a load of kids inside it.
Like, I have an image in my head that Harris is in that crowd.
So did you get that image just now?
It's just too...
It's too much, like, he wasn't even fucking there.
He's dressed like them and everything.
Kenny, come stand here. Right, now...
Look out, you see the hills?
There's all that stuff. There's all that stuff.
Just imagine that's way over there
back behind you in the corner.
Right? And you look at the hills
and you think about this morning:
you went spinning. Yeah, you went spinning.
Can you feel the weight of the ground on your feet?
Yeah?
Feel the weight of the ground on your feet.
And your breathing.
Is there a sense or sensation in your body right now?
Yeah? What is it?
- (Wavering): It's weight. - Weight?
- Whereabouts? - On my shoulders.
On your shoulders. OK.
If that weight had a colour, what colour would it be?
- Black. Or like a navy blue. - OK.
Because that's the colour of the dishdashi he had on.
Right, black, navy blue. OK, so there's weight, there's a black.
Does it have a shape when that weight's on your shoulders?
Just him.
(Sombre music)
KENNY: Does Harris actually know who his dad is?
I feel like I'm having to hide a lot from him.
Because I'm struggling on a personal level sometimes
to deal with that thought
that would Harris actually be OK with me when he's older.
And if he ever found out about
a lot of the stuff that I've been involved in
and what my job role was in the Army.
Should I really be like the type
of person that I was trained to be?
Should I really be allowed to like,
walk the street or have a son?
How many families have I devastated?
The only reason that...
it was actually OK is because
the government said it was legal.
I don't even know their names.
I don't know if they had kids or not.
You know, I don't know if they had a wife who's now widowed.
I know nothing about them.
They're just there.
I feel like those people will always be there now.
And they'll always be part of my life.
Cause I can't, I don't feel like I can just walk away from it.
(Sombre music continues)
KERRY: Since Kenneth has become ill, I've had to focus on him.
There's more services from the Armed Forces
than there is for people in my situation.
Most people like me are either not
taken seriously or not listened to.
Just before I turned 10, I spoke to my friend about being raped.
And I said to her,
"What would you do if this happened to you?"
She said to me "That has happened to me".
And I was like, "What did you do?"
She says "I told my mum and she beat
me up and told me to stop lying."
Then I went to another friend and
I basically said the same thing.
"What would you do if this happened to you?"
And she said, "Well, that does happen to me. My uncle does it."
And I was like, fucking hell. This is just normal.
Do we not have a say in any of this stuff?
When I hear people say,
"Oh, there's no support for
veterans with post-traumatic stress.
You know, it's a horrible thing to
have to live with all your life.
They didn't do anything wrong.
They went to war and came back traumatised."
Yeah they did.
But how many children went to school
or went to their friend's house,
or went to a family member's house and came back traumatised?
They didn't deserve it. What support is there for them?
The services I had to use to help me deal with rape and abuse
was a veterans organisation.
And I only got support from them because I was a spouse.
Alan, as somebody who's been
through some really emotional stuff,
do you think that...
potentially hinders
the, the possibility to be in a role like this,
of helping other people?
Because one of the things that
I've sort of heard or came across
in the past is this idea that,
to be an effective coach or therapist, you have to have,
had a brilliant upbringing and your life is absolutely perfect,
and you've got your shit together
to be able to help other people.
Or do you believe that people who have been hurt in the past,
have been through shit can be just as effective coaches.
I think probably more effective, to be fair.
I don't know anyone who has had
that perfectly calm and smooth life.
It's difficult to relate to things unless
you've experienced some level of...
negative feelings for instance.
And, when we've gone through treatment ourselves
or we've found ways of helping ourselves.
We've got perfect empathy with people,
and possibly what they're going through.
I think there's a caveat.
I think there's a caution that somebody
needs to be well themselves first
before they're accessing and hearing other people's stories.
So my job is to reflect back what
the person's saying and bringing
and reframe it in a way that helps
them cope rather than keeps them stuck.
I think some people are really in the right frame
and the right personality to be really good helpers for others
who had the problems that they used to have.
(Intrepid music)
(Muted dialogue)
KENNY: Oh!
(Muted dialogue)
(Music ends)
KENNY: I'm going to come off my meds.
Feel like a legalised junkie.
I wish I never took them because I'm
still on them now, four years later.
When I'd asked: "Look, I want to come
off them and I want off them now",
they were like, "Right, you've got two choices:
you know, if you want to come off them,
we can put you in a psychiatric unit
for a month and we'll get you off them.
As in, like we'll just cold-turkey
you in a room, you know,
or it's going to take a year to get you off them."
And I was like, I thought to myself, this is insane, like.
KERRY: I've been on my medication for years and years,
and this is just what people like us
have to do... to manage these things.
And then Kenneth said, "Well, I want to
come off them and I want to stop it all."
And I thought, you are crazy. Oh you're crazy. (Laughs)
You've been given an option to lessen how bad you feel.
Why don't you just keep it? That's a good thing.
(Metallic clinks and bangs)
(Unscrewing)
KENNY: How do you take this apart?
I'd just strip something off and be like, well,
you've got to learn how to put it back together.
Because if not, then it's not going to work.
I just started stripping more apart and more apart,
and it was eventually a bare shell.
And it was like, well, where do you go from here?
There's not much else I can do so...
You've got to start putting it back together at some point.
I can't envisage another scenario
in life where I'll get the same buzz
of a guy trying to shoot me, and I'm trying to shoot him.
(Engine revs and purrs)
(Dramatic music; engines rev)
(Music fades out)
(They laugh)
KERRY: Let's go and give him a hug.
I spun out.
- Did you? I didn't see it. - Yeah.
But I knocked five seconds off.
- Did you? - I did.
Were you cheering on him?
Like "Go Dad, go Dad, go Dad."
I was doing.
Were you like "Waaay, go, Dad, go, Dad!"?
Did you really do that?
KENNY: I'm down to 100mg, but I
felt the side effects quite strong
over the last couple of days.
Today I just took 125, just to even them out a bit.
I've had really bad nightmares.
I've started getting violent in my sleep and started...
Well, not fighting, but I've started,
kicking and punching Kerry during the night
and not recognising who she is.
(Distant gunfire and explosions)
(Echoey horse whinny)
(Distant explosions fade out)
(Water splashing)
KERRY: So when he obviously hits me during the night
and then I just start thinking,
"Oh my God, I'm under attack, somebody's broken into my house"
and then I realise it's him.
So I know that during the night if he, like, lashes out at me
and then as soon as I speak to him and
then I say to him, "You've just hurt me",
he quickly stops and then he's like,
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that.
I was blah blah blah having a bad dream."
And I don't want to get angry about it.
So I'm just like, let him do what he needs to do.
If he needs to be grumpy and short-tempered, that's fine.
But I'm only going to put up with so much
before I need to kind of reign it back in.
Because when he's being really grumpy to Harris,
I have to say to Harris,
"How does it make you feel when Dad's being like this?"
and then Harris will say, "Oh I don't like it,
because then I think that Dad
doesn't enjoy spending time with me."
(Sombre music)
And then I say to him, "Well, Kenneth, you need to hear this
because you need to understand what the
consequences has on the whole family."
Like none of us are here to be emotional punch bags.
I kind of wondered whether it was time for me to stop as well.
I've wondered what it would be like to not have to rely on it
and to have the resources myself to be able to cope
rather than having to rely on medication,
which, to be honest, at times, hasn't actually worked.
I've realised that there is more to the world
than just medicating symptoms.
We might as well both do it together.
(Gentle music)
- KENNY: Are you ready? - WOMAN: Yeah.
(Indistinct dialogue)
Oops, sorry, a little intimate!
(They laugh)
KERRY: What I find fascinating is that you can control
such a big, powerful animal with just a finger.
They're not looking for conflict.
They don't want to fight against you.
They don't want to be wrestled with.
They literally just want to be in sync with you.
And I feel like sometimes that's all what I want as well.
COACH: I'm loving how you're
giving her the rein with one hand
when you're asking her to come round, that's brilliant.
So I spoke to Kenny yesterday about
visualising what you want to do with them,
but have I spoke to you about it or not?
KERRY: What happened when I was younger
it defined the majority of my teenage years
and my early-adult years.
It's taken up enough time in my life.
It won't be, it has no place in my future. Absolutely no place.
(Gentle music)
(Station buzz)
KENNY: Rock2Recovery have just asked to see me and offered me
a position in Rock as a welfare officer,
and they want to train and show me how they do things.
You know, that's something I want to do.
I think it'd be great.
(Gentle music)
MAN: I mean, we kind of selected you
rather than you come looking for the job.
You know that.
Because it has to be the right person in the right job.
You've got to understand it,
you've got to have people skills.
You've got to be able to listen to people.
You've got to be able to have the initiative and the...
the ability to make decisions and just go and do something
because you know it needs doing.
KENNY: Yeah. MAN: That's so important.
The mind will do one of two things,
it'll either work for you or against you.
And a lot of the clients you'll meet,
the brain-- their mind is just working against them.
The brain is just ticking over and the negative side of stuff,
- that's just not helping. - KENNY: Yeah.
MAN: And a lot of it is just getting them back on this track
and start to-- start to work for themselves,
start to connect with themselves,
start to love themselves,
start to grow themselves.
(Seagulls call)
We don't get to go back in time.
You work with what you've got.
Always. And shape it.
Change it.
You're growing yourself again.
- WOMAN: Welcome aboard. - KENNY: Looking forward to it.
WOMAN: You've got that first-hand experience of it.
That's going to be, you know, stand you in very good stead.
Yeah. Well, I know what it's like to be...
feel like you're at the bottom
and then coming in brand new when you don't want to be there.
And then actually your life is turned round 180 degrees.
Don't get me wrong, my life is still got a long way to go,
but it's a damn sight better than what it was a year ago.
You know.
See, when I really hit rock bottom,
for me, it was "How do I go from being in snipers
and a patrol commander in Afghan to
literally, you're not even allowed
to look after your own kid".
To me, at that time, the military was
more important than Harris and Kerry
because they came in when I was in the military.
And it wasn't-- they weren't with me beforehand, so
they were always going to come second.
(Echoey helicopter sounds in the distance)
INSTRUCTOR: Only 47 out of 224
veterans who died by suicide had had
contact with mental health services.
Does that surprise you?
ALL: No.
Lots of people have suicidal thoughts.
They don't act on them.
Lots of people who attempt suicide don't complete it.
So what that tells us is that suicidal thoughts are common.
But just because you're thinking about
it doesn't mean you have to do it.
You don't have to follow it through.
As a mental health first aider
that's an important thing to know.
Because remember, it's not about dying.
It's about ending emotional pain and suffering.
So what you're getting is an opportunity... to prevent it.
That's what you're being given.
If we talk about suicide,
what kind of words does that bring to mind?
MAN 1: Death.
- INSTRUCTOR: Any others? - KENNY: The only solution?
Yeah.
MAN 2: I mean, looking at it from the other side: selfish.
Selfish is always interesting.
So why? Why do people think it might be selfish?
MAN 3: Well, the devastating
impact it has on those that remain.
INSTRUCTOR: So it's about the people who are left behind.
But someone who's thinking about taking their own life
the way they're thinking is, this is the
best thing I can do for those people.
ALL: Yes. Uh-huh.
KENNY: It hit home quite hard because I thought
I've put Kerry and Harris through that,
and it's not fair to them.
And it's not healthy,
and it just shows how irrational-- well,
how your mental health can take over and how it can...
It seems rational at the time,
but it also did make me realise that the suicidal stuff
is a very short-term solution
to a problem that you've got going on.
And look at the amount of damage
that you could cause by doing it.
I could've destroyed Kerry and Harris' life.
And you know, Harris could have grown up
and...
what image would he have had of me?
You know, not really being able to know me.
What type of life would he have had because of it?
Could he have ended up with depression?
Would I have wanted that for my own son?
You know, essentially given him depression by proxy,
you know, just because of this
situation that he was involved in,
that wasn't really anything to do with him.
He just had-- he just was living with it, you know.
When he said, "What was it that stopped you the last time?"
You know, and every time we were talking about that, I just,
I thought that Harris was what stopped me.
(Gentle music; swing creaks)
What problems do you have with Harris?
KENNY: Malcolm showed me something new
that I hadn't done before.
It was the ability to see things through someone else's eyes
from their perspective.
This is called "perceptional positioning".
I said that I was, I was struggling to bond with Harris.
And he'd said, "Well, what do you think Harris sees in you
that keeps him coming to you
and enjoys you and likes you and stuff?"
And I said, "I don't know, to be honest,
I question that myself quite a lot."
Christmas tree is up and I don't know what to do.
They're all excited about it and I feel like I can't join in.
He said, "Well, if you can imagine
yourself from Harris' position,
at his height,
looking at the Christmas tree through his eyes.
What's that like?"
(Gentle music)
I naturally started to feel like something really warm inside me.
And then he says, "Now, just get him to look round
and to look at you,
where you're standing, and what's
it like when he looks at you?
Somebody who's big, somebody who's quite strong,
that can protect him, that can provide for him."
And then I just sat with that for a while.
And then when I opened my eyes, he says,
"What do you notice now?"
And I just, I just couldn't wait to get home
and to see him and to cuddle him.
Something between me and him, it just completely changed.
I couldn't describe what it was, but
I felt like me and him were connected.
I was able to create stuff within
me that I never had before.
(Gentle music continues)
So it was more than words.
It was like there was,
it felt like there was a genuine magic within it
that stayed with me since then.
I just thought it was absolutely phenomenal.
(Engines rev)
Harris, just take your time, do it in your own time, OK?
(Revving continues)
KENNY: He's there.
Ooooh!
(Gentle music; crowd applauds)
KENNY: I've seen what made him happy,
and I felt what made him happy.
And part of what made him happy was looking at me.
And I felt it when-- (Wavers) I actually felt it
when he-- when he looked at me
and when I looked at him.
Just me being there was enough for him to feel happiness.
(Fireworks explode and crackle)
Fireworks have got a bang to them,
doesn't have to mean anything else.
I could see the fireworks reflecting in his eyes.
Nothing that I've been through is
going on inside of him right now.
So why don't I try and join that?
(Explosions and crackles)
(Uplifting music)
(Applause)
For the award of Bachelor of Science - Psychology,
Kerry Watson.
(Cheers and applause)
KERRY: I decided to become a coach
so that I can deliver the type of therapies
that I know have worked for me.
They've worked for Kenneth,
I've seen them work for loads of people.
If somebody could have came up to me
ten years ago and said to me,
"I know you're taking medication,
but have you tried this?"
Might have saved me years and years of suffering.
And I feel like so many people would really benefit from this.
INSTRUCTOR: We're going to move on to an exercise.
Get rid of intrusive worries.
Does it make it better, worse or just the same?
If they say "better", so just keep it that way.
If they say "worse", so it's on a six, turn it up to ten.
"Oh that's worse!", right, turn it down to a zero.
That's better.
So who's going to come out this time?
Come on then, Kerry, about bloody time.
KERRY: Oh God.
It's something that's not going to happen,
but it's something that I'm scared happens.
- So shall we say scared? - Yeah, scared, yeah.
It's a movie that's been like a
ten-second clip that's been coming back,
like intrusively,
like an anticipating dread feeling in my stomach.
Whatever's running in your head about this scared thing,
we don't want to know any of the content,
but when you're running this scared-to-ten feeling,
whatever's in there,
are you in it or are you watching yourself in it?
You've seen it through your own eyes?
Or can you see Kerry in front of you?
- No, it's from my eyes. - In it, OK.
It's like a panoramic movie,
like, I could see it when I turn.
Is it voices or is it noise?
No, it's voices, yeah.
OK. Are the voices clear or fuzzy?
Clear.
And is the content helpful or unhelpful?
Unhelpful.
Every time we changed one thing, like, put a border around it,
I almost just kind of like, was was, like dissolving.
I could-- I could feel it going from like a ten,
down to a nine, down to an eight,
down to seven like with every single step,
and then, like, taking it away somewhere,
like as, like burying it.
INSTRUCTOR: So when you think about
that thing now where's the feeling?
Open your eyes.
Where's the feeling?
I don't even feel it.
No I can't. Yeah. I think it's actually gone.
Yeah. Take yes for an answer, Kerry.
It is because when I try... Yeah, it is.
It's gone.
I can't explain it, it's almost as
though it's something that's there,
and the world that doesn't belong to me,
like I have no attachment to it essentially, I have no...
I have no attachment.
Babies are only born with two fears.
Fear of falling and the fear of loud bangs.
Everything else is learned so we can all unlearn it.
(They clap)
- It's me! - Kerry, well done. Thank you!
KERRY: Oh, look at that! (Sings to herself)
(Gentle, uplifting music)
KERRY: Looking at the perspective of
being self-employed as a therapist.
I was really, really worried about
how to run the business side of it.
I was going to spend three weeks doing business-y stuff.
I was going to write up workbooks,
I was going to do homework sheets, everything.
I wanted to do all that and have like a foundation
before I started seeing clients.
I mean, it looks all right, but it's...
But what?
I think it's meant to go the other way, the cushions.
So a grey one... Unless that grey one goes at the back?
There we go, black, grey, all the way.
Black, grey.
- You happy now? - Yes.
It did totally change it, what you just did.
Did it? (Laughs)
Yeah, yeah, totally changed it.
KERRY: You're taking the piss.
Didn't change anything. Right, let's go!
I published the website on Sunday
and on Wednesday, I think it was,
I had somebody get in touch and asked if I would do some work.
I said to Kenneth, I was like,
"I'm going to have to tell her I can't do it."
And Kenneth was saying "What is your business?"
And I said "It's working one-to-one with people."
And he says, "So why are you doing all that stuff?
Why are you doing books and homework
sheets and self-care tips and stuff?
If your business is working one-to-one, put that aside.
Your first priority should be seeing clients."
So yeah, we booked in that week.
(Phone rings)
- Hi. - WOMAN: Hello?
Hiya, it's Kerry.
Hiya, how are you doing?
Hello. Good, thank you. How are you getting on?
So have you, have you tried anything so far?
Any kind of therapies or...
I just started talking to you a bit.
I don't know, I think the root cause is the relationship.
- Yeah. - Where it all went wrong is...
- I mean he lost his job... - Yeah.
- and typical man... - Mhm.
won't talk about it, keeps his emotions in,
- didn't wanna deal with it. - Mhm.
Our communication just broke down.
But now he does say he needs help.
Mhm.
He's willing.
Yeah, yeah.
So he's actually agreed to, to have-- to be seen as well then?
- Yes. - That's perfect.
That is perfect because I was going to say,
one of the problems is that quite often with couples,
if one person agrees to do some kind of work on themselves,
this, they get into a position where they start developing
and they start sort of transforming and
things start getting better for them.
But then the other partner, well, they stay stagnant.
It kinda undoes the work that the
other person's doing. So that's nice.
If it's the both of yous and you are both, willing and ready.
That is absolutely brilliant.
- Thank you. - Oh you're welcome.
- Have a nice weekend. - See you later.
I'll speak to you soon. Bye.
(Gentle music)
(She sighs)
KENNY: I've been watching Jamie and
Malc work for a, for a long time
and I couldn't believe the impact
that I was seeing their work have on, on other veterans.
And then when I express my interest to go into coaching,
Malc, who's the head of coaching had said,
yeah, he thought it would be a good idea.
But starting slow, it being very supervised and so on.
KENNY: So what's this story that
you're telling yourself about yourself?
Just, I guess no matter what I do
it'll never be good enough anyway.
And how long have you believed that for?
Forever.
I never-- I don't ever know a
time when I didn't think that way.
And I don't really know, I just really wanna believe this stuff.
Like I really do, I just don't know why I don't.
Well, I've got a couple ideas about how we can help with that.
KENNY: Every time I work with a client,
everything that I say is reinforced
in my own state and in my own being.
Everything that I say, it's like it works on me at the same time.
MAN: And how lucky are the people that you coach now?
Because not only are you very
good at the coaching aspect of it,
but you've lived through, you know,
those horrendous experiences
and difficulties and you bring that to the table.
The understanding that you have of
what it's like to be in the black hole.
And people sense that,
they get that vibration from you and respond to you.
And, you probably have had the quickest ascension
to coaching proficiency that I've seen.
So, if you're not proud of you,
then I am, and so's the rest of Rock2Recovery.
Really chuffed with the way it's gone.
KERRY: Every now and again I get a little
feeling like, like something's missing.
I think our lives are so much more calm now.
Where a baby would actually fit in to a lifestyle.
Like everything's perfect, but
there's just one thing that's missing.
And then I adopt another rabbit.
(Gentle music)
(Horse whinnies)
KENNY: Somehow we've been able to put ourselves into a place
where things have got better than what it was.
But it takes a lot of work.
It feels sometimes like we're walking on a tightrope.
Things can still go backwards or plummet quite quickly,
and we have to climb back up again.
But it takes a lot to do that.
KERRY: When one of us isn't doing so well,
the other one kind of steps up,
takes a lot of the responsibilities.
So we're not ever both burnt out and tired and exhausted.
So that we're a bit more like a relay team.
(Music fades out)
(She slurps, gentle chatter)
(Horse chews loudly)
KERRY: Let me know how nice it is.
- Is it cold? - No. It's nice.
- KERRY: Is it warm? - (Bird calls)
You skelping aboot?
- KENNY: Skelping aboot? - (Kerry laughs)
KERRY: What are you up to, mate?
(She laughs)
(Kenny exclaims)
KENNY: Yeah, (Indistinct) it's warm.
KERRY: Yeah. How deep is it?
- KENNY: As your love. - (She laughs)
Oh, right. Let's go.
KENNY: Yeah. When you get here, when you get in,
and you swim about for a couple of minutes, it's fine.
(Gentle, uplifting music)
(She laughs)
KERRY: He looks like, he's like:
"Where have I been for the past few hours?"
There you go.
I'll get a cup of tea.
(Baby burbles)
(Baby laughs)
ALL (Singing): Happy birthday, dear Alfie,
Happy birthday to you.
Three, two, one...
(All blow)
(They cheer and clap)
KERRY: I'm not the same person that I was ten years ago.
I kind of believed that anxiety was a lifelong illness
that you just had to manage, and that it was a biological thing.
Actually, I have a choice, and there's so many things I can do
to reduce the anxiousness.
It never even occurred to me
that suffering was something that you could change.
And now I'm seeing exactly how it can change.
I'm starting to realise I'm not broken after all.
This is just the human condition.
KENNY: There's 86,400 seconds in a day.
You know, that's a lot of start lines.
All I ever have is right now.
And in a second, all I have is right now.
And it's OK if I fuck up a second or a moment,
because there's going to be another one right behind that,
so just keep going, like. (Laughs)
(Roseanne Reid's "Different Kind of Brave" plays)
♪ Well I feel every single trip that I've made around the sun
♪ Some joys I'll never know again and some have just begun
♪ Living on the edge you start believing you belong
♪ It's a different kind of brave I'm working on
(Folksy guitar)
♪ This world ain't exactly what I thought I would see
♪ And it ain't easy two of us finding how to be
♪ We got a lot of history and we needed to get free
♪ And it's a different kind of brave we're working on ♪
Kerry, today, do you acknowledge and reaffirm
your love and respect for Kenneth?
Will you keep him as your faithful partner in life,
your one true love and best friend?
Will you miss him madly when you are far
and hold him close when you are near?
- I will. - (Celebrant laughs)
CELEBRANT: Kenneth, will you continue
to provide for her needs as best you can
and protect her from harm?
Do you reaffirm your promise to laugh with her and cry with her?
To grow with her in mind and spirit?
Will you reason with her when reason works,
and laugh with her when reason doesn't?
Will you love her until the end of time?
- It's a big ask. - (All laugh)
- KERRY: It's a big one, I know. - But I will.
(All laugh)
- That's good. - (Applause; song continues)
♪ The silence it'll fall with the sun sinking low
♪ I'll stand atop the mountain, feel the freedom in my soul
♪ And we'll go walking hand-in-hand into the unknown.
(Cheers)
♪ It's a different kind of brave we're working on.